ALF Gary Simpson

I know I wasn't going to single out saboteurs unless they were high up in the food chain, so to speak but occasionally it needs to be done. Especially when they insist on being complete halfwits, then they are worth featuring purely for comedic relief. Anti hunting should never be dull after all we eat venison, the king of meats, our entertainment should be of similar standing.

Gary Simpson is a complete gift from God when it comes to the ridicule stakes and we thank God for his gifts, wherever we may find them. In this case God chose Facbook once again as He often does.

Gary is a man of many talents he is an ex Para if we believe the photographs on the internet. I would be more convinced if they were not taken at a distance or blurred but why should we disbelieve anything we see on the world wide web? It is all true, right?

Exhibit a: One blurred Para.

At some point after serving in one of the finest regiments in HM forces, as long as you don't count 3 Para mortar platoon some things are best left alone, seriously left alone, Gary found his inner peace and took up the animal rights cause. For an ex Para only the elite ALF unit of the saboteurs would be acceptable. It would be his moment on the balcony a chance for glory and ALF medals.

As an ex para his killing skills will have been honed like a Fairbairn Sykes fighting knife and his knowledge of firearms similarly keen. All ex Paras are of course skilled snipers and have a sound working knowledge of weapons systems, the thousand yard stare of the ex sniper is something to behold and strikes fear into all who look into that steely gaze.

Gary must be one of these legendary marksmen, famous for "slotting" so many Argies when they invaded our rock back in the eighties. To this day his skills will still hold him in good stead when the hordes of extremely well armed yet peaceful marksmen arrive to cull Billy Badger. His Facebook confirms that this is indeed the case. Unfortunately since the days of being in the Paras his SLR has shrunk in the wash and is now reduced to a sub 12 foot pound air rifle with a range of forty yards on a good day with a prevailing wind. He still remembers his drills though and can be seen keeping his finger outside of the trigger guard until he is on target. The SLR is now an ALF

When Gary is not out killing hunters he loves barreling around the Kent countryside in his bright red Ferrari. After all the Italian car manufacturer is well known for its eco credentials, not a single cow was harmed in the making of the plush leather seats. While saving the planet in his little sporty number what better way to relax than to the strains of Adam Ant, that well known song smith from the. Pimms advertisement Gary wishes he was Adam, in fact he really is on the weekends.

In his quest to relive the golden era of combat Gary also partakes in kickboxing just like that well know star of the eighties Jean Claude Van Dammne  and as Gary says " the rights for animal abusers attention, the left is to rid the world of them" whoever said cliches were a dying art form clearly never verbally sparred with him.

Gary drives around looking for evil hunters to kick or injure with his air rifle not in his bright red penis extension like the eighties sex symbol and all round good guy Tom Selleck but in a 4x4 like all good ALF members do.

When I look at people like Gary I wonder, are they real of just a product of their own egos, the internet is awash with false personas. People who have seen so many films and television shows that they find it impossible to separate their own existence from the celluloid dreams that got them through adolescence.

Of course there are also plenty of walts in the world too.